when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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