I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
3pm strippers are depressing
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
