This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
