tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
