How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
