Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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