i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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