Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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