he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
