I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm too high and old for this...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
