I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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