I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
