If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
