Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
