Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
