I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
