70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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