By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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