Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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