Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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