His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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