life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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