between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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