What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
