so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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