i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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