Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
