Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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