you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
