so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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