When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
sarcasm needs its own font
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
