Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You made out with two different species that night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
