I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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