Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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