So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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