Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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