He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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