Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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