I just saw a hot homeless man
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
