i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
