so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
