The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
