I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
