if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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