your parents love me but you hate me
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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