We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
