When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
