cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
