So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
