dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
