did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
