Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
